Becca 020

Tag: mental-health

  • Who Knows

    Who Knows

    A week has passed and I am still here. A week in a new job and I am glad its over because I found it a lot.

    I am not the best person for change but when I think about the long run and where where I want to end up the new job is a very positive change. Where I want to end up I need to make the career change.

    Where I want to be I need to work hard. My new Employers do not know I have Asperger’s Syndrome. My auntie who was manager of HR department for a large international company said I should tell tthem ASAP but what I have not said out loud to anyone is, if I do, what if they treat me differently or they decide to terminate my contract because the accommodations they will have to take in place.

    I am good at what I do. The problem I have is the social cues. If they ask me to do something like help my colleagues and stick with that or whether they are joking etc.

    The benefit from the new job is I can advance to the further education I want. This means what I see myself doing in the future I need to commit to the new job I have been in the last week and fully commit myself to the terms they have laid out. In many ways I do not mind as I can gain confidence with the new training and knowledge after fingers crossed qualifying.

    My dream is a good few years away but, I need to tackle this hurdle first then, as far as I am concerned, the world is my oyster and the excitement brewing in me with the thought is wanting to explode and I do not know how I am containing it. I cannot tell whether the excitement is also partly to do with because it all happening around Christmas or whether it is just because I know and hoping for the outcome at the end.

    Stay tuned I plan to give weekly updates, worst case 2 weeks.

    arrivederci Signore e Signora

  • Changes

    Changes

    The summer has come to a close and the shorter days are here.

    Making the most of the dry and bright weather is never going to be more important than over the autumn and winter.

    Gloomy, rainy, foggy and all the other depressing weather variations there are it forces to stay inside and struggle to entertain ourselves. If you have read my other posts you will be aware of how much I love my reading. For me the darker and gloomier weather makes me indulge into my books and forget the world.

    Not only is the weather and season changing but also a new car and a new job which is offering opportunities for me in my career and with it new hope for myself and my future. I am excited for the new chapter in my life.

    A lot can happen all at once for a neurotypical person it can be overwhelming but for a neurodivergent 8-9 times out of 10 it simply far too much and overwhelming doesn’t cover it. I gave managed to deal with the all the situations I have covered above that all happened in a space of less than a month. It’s also all the paperwork involved that goes alongside it that can be the cause of most of the stress than actually finding a new car or job.

    On the upside I have managed to sort it out and deal with it eventually.

    New job starts within a few days. Probably not the best time of the year to start a new job but hey the opportunity was there and I had to take it because who knows how long I would have to wait for another like I have been offered to come up. The opportunities that are they are happy to provide is fantastic and yes I nervous and a little scared but like I said before how far down the road would the next opportunity be. The direction I want to go with my career this is the step I need to take.

    Winter period has provided clarity in every sense of my life for me as I have taken the time to sit in the quiet, no music, no talking and no TV just me, my thoughts and feelings and those many times of doing that has made me clarify the direction I want to be going in. I believe absolutely needs to sit in their own company for a period of at some in silence. I genuinely feel it helps with changes that happen in each and every person’s life for them to mentally and emotionally come to understand what has happened and to process their thoughts and feelings towards things, people and themselves. Neurodivergent need a period of time like this on a daily basis, neurotypical not necessarily daily but do benefit from the alone and quiet time just maybe not on the same scale as neurotypical but it is vital for everyone to process what is going on inside themselves for them to understand how they want to behave towards the outside world, other people and their environment.

    For me as someone with Asperger Syndrome I need to daily take time in silence on my sofa or lying in my bed to process the day. Especially with my new job coming up I am feeling anxious and nervous because I will be in a new environment working with people I do not know so, for me I know I need to calm myself down and tell myself it will be alright, this is easier said than done, but I know the first month or so is going to a lot to process. Prior me starting my new job and every morning for a while I need to sit quietly to myself think how I want to approach the day, how I react to other people, colleagues and patients and how it will affect me as a person. As an Asperger sufferer I can be quite short with my answers and it can come across as rude and impatient which can then make other people react towards me in a way I don’t like and in the long run nor do they. Personally time to myself with no noise or distractions can allow me to think and process how I want to approach the day which will benefit me in the long run for the better and with a new job and environment it has never been more necessary for me sit and contemplate my approach towards this.

  • Overwhelmed

    Overwhelmed

    This post is related The Wanderer post.

    As an Asperger sufferer I do get the feeling of being overwhelmed. I can be overwhelmed by the littlest thing but what that little thing is day by day is usually the same, sometimes different.

    Feeling overwhelmed is not felt by everyone who is neurodivergent and neurotypical. The feeling is the same but can be triggered by different things.

    You could wake and find the home is absolute pigsty and having to clean and tidy it up as well as lad the washing machine and the dishwasher to then unload it all afterwards with no help. It can be a mammoth task especially when you have a big family , what if you have family staying then it’s even worse.

    Some people wake up in the morning and it all feels too much. Just life can feel too much.

    When I feel overwhelmed I love the comfort of my home. The familiar surroundings with all my belongings around me. Being at home can help me but, it sometimes can make me worse as then the thought of leaving it makes me panic and very anxious.

    Everyone has different comforts to helping feel better when overwhelmed some may share the same, the main is absolutely everyone feels overwhelmed and it’s a perfectly normal feeling to have. When people feel like this it can be the trigger to negative mental health (not always but for some). When people feel this way it’s healthy to say so and support should be given by whoever is present and help and solutions should be given by the people who are there at the time to alleviate the feeling as much as possible. If no help or support is given the person who is feeling overwhelmed then only feels worse and speaking from personal experience, feel isolated, alone, overworked and anxious about the outside world which then makes me want to coil up at home.

    The rising cost of living I believe is a subject in which many people feel overwhelmed by. The hundred and one questions people ask, some are the same and some are different. The cost of living I believe is a topic that absolutely everyone finds extremely overwhelming and is a topic in which everyone can find common ground with each other and share the worries and anxiety’s about.

  • Summer Evenings, Days and Mental Health

    Summer Evenings, Days and Mental Health

    Last night I enjoyed the beautiful summer evening, the temperature was just right, sunny with a few clouds and dry. I was on my balcony all evening, I had my dinner and went back with a herbal tea and my book and spent 2 hours reading my book.

    People out for an evening walk (with or without a dog)and a few evening cycle rides. The relaxed and wholesome feeling I got from watching no TV, listening to no music and not scrolling through my phone but purely reading my book on my balcony listening to the world outside my flat go by. When I eventually came in for the evening, I felt calm and like I had one the best evening’s I have had in a while. I am guilty of not making myself do this often enough and I really benefitted from it emotionally and mentally.

    I got so lost in my book I forgot the time and only looked at my phone for the time when the light started to really fade away and that’s when I realised how much time I spent immersing myself into the written world of a physical book in my hands. I was taken onto a journey first to different part of the English country that then took me to Italy with three characters that when the book finishes I will be sad to have finished their story and there is no more to read.

    The book starts off in the winter but is currently in the height of summer so reading last night felt apt. What it made it so enjoyable was I was on my balcony the whole time, also no technology was used. I believe this world is technology driven and as human’s and people we forget we don’t need it all the time, we don’t it to have a good time or pass the time when we are bored. There are so many other things we can be doing, reading a book, playing cards, playing a board game and exercise without music. The last one people need to more often it allows us to process our thoughts and emotions more effectively without music distracting us or function the emotions and mental state in a way that is not effective to us.

    If you have access to outside space take the board game, card game, reading a book or exercise outside whilst we have the dry, lighter and warmer evenings, make the most of being able to get outside. We are going to have a long period of time coming up soon where this is not going to be readily available. Whilst the summer is here take things outside as much as you can, mental and emotional health benefits from it drastically, even it means sitting on a bench or table and chairs or a short stroll or a picnic spend as much time away from being inside 4 walls.

    The other night I went for my evening walk and caught in the torrential rain and got back home soaked to the bone. The thrill of experiencing the natural forces of mother nature filled me excitement and also made me fill like a child because it felt so natural. I got home ran a hot bath and read my book in the bath for a while then went to bed and the feeling gave me the same feeling as sitting on my balcony as I was outside and the natural elements caught me out.

    This year 2025 the weather has been dry even if not always sunny or warm but it has been dry make the most of that be outside for as much of it as you can, I know I do, if I am not on my balcony I am out for an evening stroll or a walk during the day and then finishing it off on my balcony, I spend as time as I can outside because I know from personal experience the benefits it has on me as a person, do the same and you will start know the difference.

  • Asperger’s Syndrome Part 2

    Asperger’s Syndrome Part 2

    People who are Aspie’s all have the same thing in common. The part of the spectrum they struggle with is the social aspect. I explained in my previous post how much I struggle with it.

    It’s how to start a conversation, or if this has been mastered it’s a topic of small talk that is absolutely tedious. Small talk is not where I shine and I hate it. I would rather jump straight into a conversation of intelligence that sparks me and the participants into a deeper thinking. Personally it’s about having a great and interesting conversation or no conversation at all.

    Having come across other people on the spectrum I know finding the words and putting them into a sentence can be a real and major struggle. It could be mid conversation, sentence or simply at the start of both. Other times a sentence is formed but makes no sense to a neurotypical but absolute perfect sense to a neurodivergent. I find for myself, only occasionally, if I am really struggling to find the right word or the words to string together if it does not make sense to me it will make sense to a neurotypical.

    One of my all time favourite pass times is sitting on my balcony or if I am out in a café is people watching. I find it so much more enjoyable than attempting or trying to engage or keep a conversation going.

    When I do watch other people I do get the feeling of loneliness and envy of how they find it so easy to socialise so effortlessly. As much as I enjoy not engaging with other people I do also enjoy it just on the scale that other people might. All it takes is a few hours and of my weekend and I am happy to then get on with the other stuff I have to do.

    I have so many conversations in my head that happen. Most are to myself, about anything and everything, Big or small topics. Some are with family members about the same sort of thing. I am not good at reading social cues so I could end up either talking too much because I don’t know when to stop talking or I don’t respond because I don’t know if it’s my cue to talk.

    I am socially anxious person and always have been and that is because of my Asperger’s I often feel left out despite my efforts to fit in. This then leads to my mental health which is impacted daily.

  • Go to Comfort Part 3

    Go to Comfort Part 3

    On my previous posts I said I had 2 comforts. Having thought about it and having realised how much comfort I get from it. My home is my comfort. Waking up this morning, making a coffee and going back to bed with it and enjoying the peace and quiet in the comfort of my bed. I had such a slow morning (which I do one morning a week at least) and I feel calmer, relaxed and comforted as I have had a long period of time in the comfort of my home just mooching around.

    I sat in bed in the quiet with my coffee and browsed my travel brochure to get inspiration for my next holiday.

    The quiet and being able to hear myself think in the comfort of my bed and with the smell of coffee is a triple bonus and major plus for me. All week I really look forward to the slow morning and the quiet time with the coffee and my own home.

    For people who do not get comfort from their home, what is happening or happened at home for them to rather be elsewhere.

    All over the world there are people who have never had to experience such a feeling or time in their life where they have never wanted to go home for one reason or another need to constantly remind themselves how lucky they are to have never had to experience it. Most of those people come from a background or/and living in a council flat where their bedroom is the sofa and the living room while their parents have the bedroom on a council estate. A country where it is war torn so their home or place of comfort has been destroyed.

    The days where you think ‘no I want to take it easy today’, so you take longer to wake up, when you do eventually wake up enough, you make yourself a hot drink and have the pleasurable knowledge of being to drink it slowly so you can savour every mouthful. Maybe at some point make breakfast eat that wherever you want in the house.

    Let me know in the comments section what your go to comforts are.

  • The Spectrum and Mental Health

    The Spectrum and Mental Health

    In the last 3 years my Mental Health has been declining. especially in the last 2 of them.

    I have referred myself to a therapist a couple of times to pick myself up to a self manageable level. I am not any medication but recently I have been thinking about talking to the doctor about prescribing some for me.

    For me it’s been a wide range of things contributing to my mental health.

    The great misunderstanding from other people. The refusal to understand and refusal to try and make my surroundings easier.

    The amount of times I have contemplated packing up my job, selling my flat, car and putting things into storage that I want to keep and go gallivanting around the world. The prospect fills me hope and great relief mentally, I have no children or partner but, I cannot put my finger on what is stopping me.

    What is socially acceptable is what the neurotypical people deem to be acceptable. The neurodivergent then don’t stand a chance (certainly feels like it to me). What the neurotypical people believe people should behave like is not what the neurotypical want to do, we find it incredibly exhausting. Being forced to behave in a way that is opposite to what we naturally want to makes our lives a lot harder. A life for a neurodivergent is already challenging and yet neurotypical people force pressure on us to not behave naturally and yet wonder why when we get home our families wonder why we are physically and emotionally exhausted because the way, even our families, have forced us to behave in public has taken a negative toll on our mental health so then our mental health takes steep decline.

    Neurodivergent people in their lifetime are never allowed the opportunity, high percentage of the time to be themselves, which means more than more 80% of the time we are pretending to be someone else because the neurotypical deem it acceptable that they are allowed to bully and control us by telling us we, as neurodivergent, are doing and behaving that is never right. This is I believe the main reason why neurodivergent people stay at home and do not go out in public. The serious lack of acceptance of neurodivergent people makes me sad and cry as I can only find true and peace when I am at home or on my own as I do not have to pretend to what the neurotypical believe is correct.

    Neurotypical people who have grown with siblings or who have children who are neurodivergent always say the sacrifices they have to make on behalf or because of the person who is neurodivergent.

    As soon as the neurodivergent person is old enough they spend the rest of their lives being bullied, emotionally and mentally, by the neurotypical people they grew up with because for the short start in their lives they were hard work. As a child, neurotypical or divergent, being able to control one self is not what happens. Most neurotypical people who are not family members do little to help. Most workplaces and environments do not have in place to accommodate for neurodivergent people, they expect us to function like everyone else and just accept and any reaction or request we have most of the time is refused or unacceptable.

    I have been told throughout my that I cannot be truly myself in public by family members because my true self is unacceptable or too disturbing to the wider population. This has always made me feel I am not good enough. For me | think I have always bad mental health but in the last 2-3 years I have realised that I have spent most if it being bullied or forced into situations and behaviours I shouldn’t have been and it my negative mental health now is the sudden realisation of the years of being told my true behaviours and reactions are not good enough.

    What needs to happen is workplaces are forced to accommodate neurodivergent people. Compared to the number of neurotypical people our numbers are much lower so being forced to make special accommodations for the far less fewer is something that is not very hard. I would love to see a all Neurodivergent workplace and anyone who is neurotypical should not be able to work there to ensure that the neurodivergent are fully protected from any prejudice who is not on the spectrum.

    Nearly all Neurodivergent people are on some mental health medication due the severe pressures from family members and society. Does this not make neurotypical people question themselves how they are behaving towards and treating the neurodivergent. If they are not questioning themselves then quite honestly this is incredibly saddening as nearly all neurodivergent people would not be on mental health medication if it not for the treatment by neurotypical people.

  • Asperger’s Syndrome

    Asperger’s Syndrome

    When I was 10 years old I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

    As an Asperger’s Syndrome sufferer myself what I have always found (I still do to this day) difficult is social interaction. As an Aspie I have never found talking, making and keeping conversations easy, they have always been very difficult for me. I hate small talk, I cannot deal with, I would rather have a full in depth meaningful conversation, a conversation about something I am passionate about or something I enjoy doing or have no conversation or communication at all.

    Growing up I had other difficulties. It took me a long time to sleep through the night without wetting the bed. It came to the point where my parents ended up seeking help. They ended up buying this alarm that senses when I start wetting the bed. The idea is the alarm wakes me up and I go to the toilet. It took a while for it to work but it worked.

    For a long period of as a child I also had night terrors and they were awful. I don’t remember them myself but both my parents said they were so loud and would go on for hours during the night for a 2-3 years. My maternal grandparents experienced them as well when they had me and my sister overnight.

    A long period of time I also ended up, in my sleep, falling out of bed or with my head at the other end of the bed.

    I spent years being hysterical with crowds and fireworks, to the point where when as a family we went to anything where there was a crowd I would start screaming like I was being murdered “get me out of here” as I was as young as 8 and younger. As I got older I would stay at my parents side or find a corner to sit in. The distress I got as a child and I remember clearly was all far too much due to crowds. Shopping, was always unbearably hard work, the crowds and the actual shopping as a pass time I have always found pointless unless I had an actual reason why I needed to go.

    Bonfire night and fireworks I do enjoy now, just about but I have to mentally get myself going for the event so I am prepared but, my reactions are not like they were when I was a child for I know my limits and how much I can cope and deal with. I still clutch my mothers had or her coat or anything of hers to hold as the thought of separation from her at such an event is all too much as an adult.

    Crowds, making conversation and socialising is a massive thing for me and huge defect of mine. I want to socialise but don’t want to make conversational small talk. Due to this I am lonely on quite a few occasions however I do enjoy my own company. Finding a club that I can join that includes an interest of mine is hard as most of them take place during the day when I am at work, which makes me feel even more isolated.

    I want to be accepted as an Aspie but I know in in the current world I am told to behave the complete opposite and I cannot truly be myself. As a result of treatment from most neurotypical people my mental health has a taken a toll and the refusal to accept or accommodate or allow I am neurodivergent has made me feel useless and worthless.

  • Asperger’s Syndrome and the Spectrum Part One.

    Asperger’s Syndrome and the Spectrum Part One.

    Women, Men, Girls and Boys on the Spectrum are the same and not the same in so many ways.

    What many people would see as an major over reaction to us it is not. We simply cannot handle some and many situations the way people would simply have no issue dealing with. It could easily be something as simple as how certain materials feel.

    To a good majority of people this sounds ridiculous and that is the most stupid thing they have ever heard. Let me tell you something to people on the Spectrum it is a big deal and it is what can make or break a good day or a bad day for many of us.

    For me, I have Asperger’s Syndrome and my triggers are crowds. It can be a group of people of 6 or more and I find that hard enough to deal with and a big struggle. I can deal with it for a short while, how long that is depends on the day however, it is never a long time on any occasion. I have a social battery for 2 reasons, I find small talk very hard to deal with, I am not good at it and I hate doing it. Small talk I find it hard to find things to talk about, I would rather have a passionate and full, in depth conversation or not talk at all. Second reason I mask all day when I am at work so I am tired when I get home.

    The reason I mask as when I am truly myself the serious lack of understanding from work colleagues and members of the public would and does spark a reaction and the reactions from my managers then goes straight to the defence of the public and starts attacking me and says I am the one in the wrong when sometimes I truly cannot help it. For me to be able to be truly myself I have to be at home so on my own somewhere where I know there are no other people. It is extremely frustrating and emotionally and mentally exhausting my my emotional and mental health have taken such bad turn it has taken me and is still taking me on a journey in which I should have been put on due to the refusal of people wanting to understand, accept and learn about The Spectrum.

    People who are neurodivergent can detect someone else who is on the also neurodivergent even if the person is masking. We just know each other and we are drawn each other like a moth to a light. Reason for this is we do have to explain ourselves to one another. the only things we need to explain to each other are our triggers but, we do not have to explain why they set us off we just tell each other what they are and we understand as we all have out triggers and they much us feel.

    In the world the human species lives people who are on the spectrum are classified as difficult and hard work because we apparently have a short attention, this is far from true. We supposedly cannot sit still, for some yes this is true but, a different learning environment is all it needs.

    In the world we live in neurodivergent people are classified as thick and stupid, we are actually the complete opposite. We are the most intelligent people on the planet. There are famous in the world that have lived and are living who have been or are on the spectrum. Never underestimate the intelligence of someone on the spectrum they understand so much more than than the neurotypical.

    Autism and the Spectrum comes in so many different forms. Some are obvious and noticeable. Other forms you won’t notice as people like myself mask so to the neurotypical that person is like them when really they are far from it.

  • Go to Comfort part 2

    Go to Comfort part 2

    In my previous post I mentioned I had two comforts one being books the other is being outside in the open.

    Being outside makes me feel very calm indeed. When I have been inside all day for work I get the feeling of being trapped so, getting to be outside as much possible is a great stress relief. I am very grateful I have a balcony off my flat. Even just by sitting on the balcony helps a great deal of releasing any feeling of being trapped

    The feeling of being outside helps me feel less trapped and closed in. Being outside in the open especially amongst trees soothes me and invigorates my imagination. Being amongst nature and outside allows me to appreciate the world more and feel more like I am whole person and forget that I have Asperger’s Syndrome and how in situations I get so overwhelmed I over react or don’t react.

    Trees, gardens, meadows, woods, forests you name it have this power over me that I never tire of. It’s always quiet and little to no people at all around. I can hear my thoughts. the soft sound of the trees and the way the light filters through when the sun comes out or when it rains and the trees protect you completely or allow small rain drops through and it hits you on the head or face, if you are like me and looking up at the trees to enjoy the view form below.

    Trees do not ask questions but, they somehow seem to prize the bad energy out of me and allow me to reinstate myself to a emotional and mental well being where I feel like I am in control of myself again, which then allows me to process the day in a much easier way than before. Being outside also allows me to feel more in control as I have mentioned before but trees, not only powerful to help the planet as we know it but they are powerful in so many other ways and they so understated by much of the human population.

    Ever since I was a child I have always been an outdoorsy and bookworm. My favourite is sitting under a tree or where there trees to allow me the option if I want to sit underneath one with my book and a blanket and pass away the time. For me this is my ultimate go to move and rejuvenate myself. I as an Aspie am at my most happiest when I am doing this. of course when it has been raining hard it is not possible but then I enjoy a walk and get home and get mega comfy on my sofa wit my book.

    As an adult I have been able to communicate with my family in particular what my trigger points are and what helps me. My family try as much as they can but even they get to a point where they struggle to help which is where an an individual finding my ways to help and making myself do them is so important. The wider circle of people need to be a lot less judgmental and encourage the individual on the spectrum to their calm state in whatever way they can.