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Tag: autism

  • Asperger’s Syndrome Part 2

    Asperger’s Syndrome Part 2

    People who are Aspie’s all have the same thing in common. The part of the spectrum they struggle with is the social aspect. I explained in my previous post how much I struggle with it.

    It’s how to start a conversation, or if this has been mastered it’s a topic of small talk that is absolutely tedious. Small talk is not where I shine and I hate it. I would rather jump straight into a conversation of intelligence that sparks me and the participants into a deeper thinking. Personally it’s about having a great and interesting conversation or no conversation at all.

    Having come across other people on the spectrum I know finding the words and putting them into a sentence can be a real and major struggle. It could be mid conversation, sentence or simply at the start of both. Other times a sentence is formed but makes no sense to a neurotypical but absolute perfect sense to a neurodivergent. I find for myself, only occasionally, if I am really struggling to find the right word or the words to string together if it does not make sense to me it will make sense to a neurotypical.

    One of my all time favourite pass times is sitting on my balcony or if I am out in a café is people watching. I find it so much more enjoyable than attempting or trying to engage or keep a conversation going.

    When I do watch other people I do get the feeling of loneliness and envy of how they find it so easy to socialise so effortlessly. As much as I enjoy not engaging with other people I do also enjoy it just on the scale that other people might. All it takes is a few hours and of my weekend and I am happy to then get on with the other stuff I have to do.

    I have so many conversations in my head that happen. Most are to myself, about anything and everything, Big or small topics. Some are with family members about the same sort of thing. I am not good at reading social cues so I could end up either talking too much because I don’t know when to stop talking or I don’t respond because I don’t know if it’s my cue to talk.

    I am socially anxious person and always have been and that is because of my Asperger’s I often feel left out despite my efforts to fit in. This then leads to my mental health which is impacted daily.

  • The Spectrum and Mental Health

    The Spectrum and Mental Health

    In the last 3 years my Mental Health has been declining. especially in the last 2 of them.

    I have referred myself to a therapist a couple of times to pick myself up to a self manageable level. I am not any medication but recently I have been thinking about talking to the doctor about prescribing some for me.

    For me it’s been a wide range of things contributing to my mental health.

    The great misunderstanding from other people. The refusal to understand and refusal to try and make my surroundings easier.

    The amount of times I have contemplated packing up my job, selling my flat, car and putting things into storage that I want to keep and go gallivanting around the world. The prospect fills me hope and great relief mentally, I have no children or partner but, I cannot put my finger on what is stopping me.

    What is socially acceptable is what the neurotypical people deem to be acceptable. The neurodivergent then don’t stand a chance (certainly feels like it to me). What the neurotypical people believe people should behave like is not what the neurotypical want to do, we find it incredibly exhausting. Being forced to behave in a way that is opposite to what we naturally want to makes our lives a lot harder. A life for a neurodivergent is already challenging and yet neurotypical people force pressure on us to not behave naturally and yet wonder why when we get home our families wonder why we are physically and emotionally exhausted because the way, even our families, have forced us to behave in public has taken a negative toll on our mental health so then our mental health takes steep decline.

    Neurodivergent people in their lifetime are never allowed the opportunity, high percentage of the time to be themselves, which means more than more 80% of the time we are pretending to be someone else because the neurotypical deem it acceptable that they are allowed to bully and control us by telling us we, as neurodivergent, are doing and behaving that is never right. This is I believe the main reason why neurodivergent people stay at home and do not go out in public. The serious lack of acceptance of neurodivergent people makes me sad and cry as I can only find true and peace when I am at home or on my own as I do not have to pretend to what the neurotypical believe is correct.

    Neurotypical people who have grown with siblings or who have children who are neurodivergent always say the sacrifices they have to make on behalf or because of the person who is neurodivergent.

    As soon as the neurodivergent person is old enough they spend the rest of their lives being bullied, emotionally and mentally, by the neurotypical people they grew up with because for the short start in their lives they were hard work. As a child, neurotypical or divergent, being able to control one self is not what happens. Most neurotypical people who are not family members do little to help. Most workplaces and environments do not have in place to accommodate for neurodivergent people, they expect us to function like everyone else and just accept and any reaction or request we have most of the time is refused or unacceptable.

    I have been told throughout my that I cannot be truly myself in public by family members because my true self is unacceptable or too disturbing to the wider population. This has always made me feel I am not good enough. For me | think I have always bad mental health but in the last 2-3 years I have realised that I have spent most if it being bullied or forced into situations and behaviours I shouldn’t have been and it my negative mental health now is the sudden realisation of the years of being told my true behaviours and reactions are not good enough.

    What needs to happen is workplaces are forced to accommodate neurodivergent people. Compared to the number of neurotypical people our numbers are much lower so being forced to make special accommodations for the far less fewer is something that is not very hard. I would love to see a all Neurodivergent workplace and anyone who is neurotypical should not be able to work there to ensure that the neurodivergent are fully protected from any prejudice who is not on the spectrum.

    Nearly all Neurodivergent people are on some mental health medication due the severe pressures from family members and society. Does this not make neurotypical people question themselves how they are behaving towards and treating the neurodivergent. If they are not questioning themselves then quite honestly this is incredibly saddening as nearly all neurodivergent people would not be on mental health medication if it not for the treatment by neurotypical people.

  • Asperger’s Syndrome

    Asperger’s Syndrome

    When I was 10 years old I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

    As an Asperger’s Syndrome sufferer myself what I have always found (I still do to this day) difficult is social interaction. As an Aspie I have never found talking, making and keeping conversations easy, they have always been very difficult for me. I hate small talk, I cannot deal with, I would rather have a full in depth meaningful conversation, a conversation about something I am passionate about or something I enjoy doing or have no conversation or communication at all.

    Growing up I had other difficulties. It took me a long time to sleep through the night without wetting the bed. It came to the point where my parents ended up seeking help. They ended up buying this alarm that senses when I start wetting the bed. The idea is the alarm wakes me up and I go to the toilet. It took a while for it to work but it worked.

    For a long period of as a child I also had night terrors and they were awful. I don’t remember them myself but both my parents said they were so loud and would go on for hours during the night for a 2-3 years. My maternal grandparents experienced them as well when they had me and my sister overnight.

    A long period of time I also ended up, in my sleep, falling out of bed or with my head at the other end of the bed.

    I spent years being hysterical with crowds and fireworks, to the point where when as a family we went to anything where there was a crowd I would start screaming like I was being murdered “get me out of here” as I was as young as 8 and younger. As I got older I would stay at my parents side or find a corner to sit in. The distress I got as a child and I remember clearly was all far too much due to crowds. Shopping, was always unbearably hard work, the crowds and the actual shopping as a pass time I have always found pointless unless I had an actual reason why I needed to go.

    Bonfire night and fireworks I do enjoy now, just about but I have to mentally get myself going for the event so I am prepared but, my reactions are not like they were when I was a child for I know my limits and how much I can cope and deal with. I still clutch my mothers had or her coat or anything of hers to hold as the thought of separation from her at such an event is all too much as an adult.

    Crowds, making conversation and socialising is a massive thing for me and huge defect of mine. I want to socialise but don’t want to make conversational small talk. Due to this I am lonely on quite a few occasions however I do enjoy my own company. Finding a club that I can join that includes an interest of mine is hard as most of them take place during the day when I am at work, which makes me feel even more isolated.

    I want to be accepted as an Aspie but I know in in the current world I am told to behave the complete opposite and I cannot truly be myself. As a result of treatment from most neurotypical people my mental health has a taken a toll and the refusal to accept or accommodate or allow I am neurodivergent has made me feel useless and worthless.

  • Asperger’s Syndrome and the Spectrum Part One.

    Asperger’s Syndrome and the Spectrum Part One.

    Women, Men, Girls and Boys on the Spectrum are the same and not the same in so many ways.

    What many people would see as an major over reaction to us it is not. We simply cannot handle some and many situations the way people would simply have no issue dealing with. It could easily be something as simple as how certain materials feel.

    To a good majority of people this sounds ridiculous and that is the most stupid thing they have ever heard. Let me tell you something to people on the Spectrum it is a big deal and it is what can make or break a good day or a bad day for many of us.

    For me, I have Asperger’s Syndrome and my triggers are crowds. It can be a group of people of 6 or more and I find that hard enough to deal with and a big struggle. I can deal with it for a short while, how long that is depends on the day however, it is never a long time on any occasion. I have a social battery for 2 reasons, I find small talk very hard to deal with, I am not good at it and I hate doing it. Small talk I find it hard to find things to talk about, I would rather have a passionate and full, in depth conversation or not talk at all. Second reason I mask all day when I am at work so I am tired when I get home.

    The reason I mask as when I am truly myself the serious lack of understanding from work colleagues and members of the public would and does spark a reaction and the reactions from my managers then goes straight to the defence of the public and starts attacking me and says I am the one in the wrong when sometimes I truly cannot help it. For me to be able to be truly myself I have to be at home so on my own somewhere where I know there are no other people. It is extremely frustrating and emotionally and mentally exhausting my my emotional and mental health have taken such bad turn it has taken me and is still taking me on a journey in which I should have been put on due to the refusal of people wanting to understand, accept and learn about The Spectrum.

    People who are neurodivergent can detect someone else who is on the also neurodivergent even if the person is masking. We just know each other and we are drawn each other like a moth to a light. Reason for this is we do have to explain ourselves to one another. the only things we need to explain to each other are our triggers but, we do not have to explain why they set us off we just tell each other what they are and we understand as we all have out triggers and they much us feel.

    In the world the human species lives people who are on the spectrum are classified as difficult and hard work because we apparently have a short attention, this is far from true. We supposedly cannot sit still, for some yes this is true but, a different learning environment is all it needs.

    In the world we live in neurodivergent people are classified as thick and stupid, we are actually the complete opposite. We are the most intelligent people on the planet. There are famous in the world that have lived and are living who have been or are on the spectrum. Never underestimate the intelligence of someone on the spectrum they understand so much more than than the neurotypical.

    Autism and the Spectrum comes in so many different forms. Some are obvious and noticeable. Other forms you won’t notice as people like myself mask so to the neurotypical that person is like them when really they are far from it.