Asperger’s Syndrome

When I was 10 years old I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

As an Asperger’s Syndrome sufferer myself what I have always found (I still do to this day) difficult is social interaction. As an Aspie I have never found talking, making and keeping conversations easy, they have always been very difficult for me. I hate small talk, I cannot deal with, I would rather have a full in depth meaningful conversation, a conversation about something I am passionate about or something I enjoy doing or have no conversation or communication at all.

Growing up I had other difficulties. It took me a long time to sleep through the night without wetting the bed. It came to the point where my parents ended up seeking help. They ended up buying this alarm that senses when I start wetting the bed. The idea is the alarm wakes me up and I go to the toilet. It took a while for it to work but it worked.

For a long period of as a child I also had night terrors and they were awful. I don’t remember them myself but both my parents said they were so loud and would go on for hours during the night for a 2-3 years. My maternal grandparents experienced them as well when they had me and my sister overnight.

A long period of time I also ended up, in my sleep, falling out of bed or with my head at the other end of the bed.

I spent years being hysterical with crowds and fireworks, to the point where when as a family we went to anything where there was a crowd I would start screaming like I was being murdered “get me out of here” as I was as young as 8 and younger. As I got older I would stay at my parents side or find a corner to sit in. The distress I got as a child and I remember clearly was all far too much due to crowds. Shopping, was always unbearably hard work, the crowds and the actual shopping as a pass time I have always found pointless unless I had an actual reason why I needed to go.

Bonfire night and fireworks I do enjoy now, just about but I have to mentally get myself going for the event so I am prepared but, my reactions are not like they were when I was a child for I know my limits and how much I can cope and deal with. I still clutch my mothers had or her coat or anything of hers to hold as the thought of separation from her at such an event is all too much as an adult.

Crowds, making conversation and socialising is a massive thing for me and huge defect of mine. I want to socialise but don’t want to make conversational small talk. Due to this I am lonely on quite a few occasions however I do enjoy my own company. Finding a club that I can join that includes an interest of mine is hard as most of them take place during the day when I am at work, which makes me feel even more isolated.

I want to be accepted as an Aspie but I know in in the current world I am told to behave the complete opposite and I cannot truly be myself. As a result of treatment from most neurotypical people my mental health has a taken a toll and the refusal to accept or accommodate or allow I am neurodivergent has made me feel useless and worthless.